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What Kind Of Person Eats At Subway?

What Kind Of Person Eats At Subway?

Is Subway Really That Bad?

You see that sandwich in that picture up there? That bread mess with the soggy vegetables that all taste like grass… or grass and vinegar?  That meat-free, 5-dollar, fake foot-long, abortion of an all-turkey-based-cold-cut monster jammed with carbohydrates, nitrates, and diarrhea inducing spirochetes?

I ordered it.

Watched a nice man make it.

Paid for it.

Snapped that photo.

And then dumped it in to the trash in front of the hungriest homeless guy I’ve ever seen. (I gave the homeless dude a 5-spot as long as he promised not to buy anything from Subway.  He agreed and said he was saving up for some weed.)

So seriously, what kind of a person eats at Subway?  Like, how hungry, desperate, drunk, and/or dumb do you need to be to eat at Subway?

Let’s find out.


A very "meh" looking Subway "sandwich"


We staked out 3 Subway “Restaurants” in Hells Kitchen and spoke to exactly 250 of their customers.  We actually approached over 1,000 Subway customers, but apparently they were either too full, too embarrassed, or too important to talk to us… which is why we were happy when we got to 250.

Conveniently, you can tell when someone leaves Subway with a sandwich as their super eco-friendly bags are transparent so you can see what’s inside.  Our first finding: 2 bags of chips, a cookie, an oil-slick of a foot-long, and a Diet Coke were an incredibly popular order.


Restaurants Surveyed

Subway Hell’s Kitchen
555 West 42nd Street
New York, NY 10036

Subway Port Authority
352 West 42nd Street
New York, NY 10036

Subway Theatre District
705 8th Avenue
New York, NY 10036

If he's smart enough to play an accordion, you'd think he'd be smart enough to not eat at Subway

Subway Hell's Kitchen

Subway Port Authority

Subway Theatre District


It’s important to point out that this is not a scientific survey. We really only had one question: Why did you buy food from Subway today? We then listened and took notes. The majority of the people we spoke to laughed at the question. They knew we weren’t from Subway Corporate (several people actually asked about that) and once they realized we were just making fun of them they mostly mocked their poor life-choice. (Mostly)



The majority of people we spoke to referenced money as an issue for buying lunch at Subway.  It’s cheap. It’s consistent.  And they know what it’s gonna cost when they roll in.  They eat Subway regularly because it’s not a surprise in the wallet.  We can respect that.  Even accept that.  But there’s tons of super cheap choices that are better for you that are incredibly close by.

And no, we’re not judging people who told us they were “poor”.  We also don’t know if that’ true… but it’s what they said.


Out of Ideas/Lazy

I’m not sure how you can run out of lunch ideas in Midtown Manhattan (see but that’s what we were told.  Apparently, it’s too confusing to, you know, look down the block for something else.

Seriously, people!  Look alive.  Walk an extra 18 seconds to Green Symphony if you’re near the Theatre District.  Gotham West is a block north – a short block – from Subway in Hell’s Kitchen and the Cannibal has amazing sandwiches.  If you’re at Port Authority, Shorty’s is on 9th Avenue.



Ok, we’re all busy.  Like, seriously busy.  I get that.  And I get that when you finally break away for lunch you want something fast, fresh, and tasty.

So, why Subway?

One of our respondents pointed out that a lot of other options in the area, one of the more artisanal options, tend to be staffed with “douche hippie stoners and I don’t have time for that.”  That’s a good point.  The more commercial restaurants do a good job of making the machine move faster.


Mentally Ill

Yes, people referred to themselves as “retarded”. Or “idiot”. Or “fucked up”. Or “stupid”. Or “whack”.

While I doubt that anyone we spoke to had a surplus of chromosomes, it was obvious that several of them were clearly not going to be splitting the atom any time soon. Two cheerful folks from uptown who couldn’t understand how you could have turkey based ham gleefully admitted their “retardition” [sic] at their lunch choice when we could.

Note: We did not include the 3 people who said they were “pretty high” as mentally ill.


So what kind of a person eats at Subway?  By their own admission poor, lazy people, with bad time-management skills, and slight mental illness.  That’s who eats at Subway.

Which, I guess, is why there are so many Subway “Restaurants”.

If you need me, I’ll be at Salumeria Billiese having a proper Italian hero.

Yeah, seafood salad at a Subway. That should be fine.

It kind of tastes like my mom’s crab salad back in Goa. After it was left in the sun for a week.



This looks like that stuff that you puke up after you're stomach is empty but not done destroying your toilet.

I screwed up at work, so this is all I had time for. I’ll get some macaroni tonight.  It’ll be fine.



What the hell costs $5 in a flat-bread sandwich that's all vegetables.

I just wanted a fast veggie friendly lunch and Pret-a-Manger is, like, 2 blocks away.



The glimmering sheen on this Subway turkey is reminiscent of an oil-soaked duck in Louisiana.

Is Turkey supposed to be slimy and look iridescent in sunlight? Please tell me it is.


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About The Author

Chef of the Future

Originally from ungentrified Brooklyn in 1950s America, the Chef of the Future is a popular misogynist & buffoon who never once cored a apple.

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